Kissing Dating Goodbye

Believe it or not, it has been 12 years since Joshua Harris published his now famous book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. That means that I was about 10 years old when my parents first heard the word courtship and decided that that was what they wanted for their children's future love lives. Not that I really cared. I was still at that age when boys seemed to fall into God's "oops!" category along with cockroaches, lizards, and the platypus. As I have gotten older, of course, the idea of how to Biblically find a mate has taken on a greater importance. It has also become a very popular topic of conversation in many Christian circles and very often they seem to have completely different views and completely different terms. For instance, some circles use the term "courtship" when describing the "correct" way to find a mate. Others use the term "Christian dating", and still others use the term "betrothal". So which one is the most Biblical way? Actually, they are almost all the same when it comes the basic principles of each one. Though many people will argue that one way is better than another, they all have common elements and don't differ very much at all. Here are some of those elements and why they help create a better way of finding a mate than normal secular dating (I'm going to use the term "courtship", but you can replace it with any other equal term).

1. Marriage is the goal. Unlike today's secular dating, there is a definite goal from the very beginning of a courtship. There is no wondering where the relationship is heading or if either partner is really committed to it. Both people realize from the outset that the purpose of the relationship is to grow closer to one another resulting (most likely) in marriage. Does this mean that all courtships will end in marriage? Of course not, many couples will get into the relationship and realize that that is not God's will for their lives. Marriage is simply the target. However, this does mean that the couple is starting the relationship on the same page and working towards a common goal. This can save a lot of time and result in a lot less heartbreak.

2. Don't shop if you ain't ready to buy. Because the ultimate goal of a courtship is marriage, no one should begin one until they are really ready to commit to marriage. If you are a guy, this means that you have a job that will provide for your family and have matured to the point that you are ready to be a spiritual leader. If you are a gal, this means that you are prepared to care for a home and are emotionally and spiritually ready to follow a husband. This also prevents "trifling" and heartbreak.

3. It takes a village. While modern secular dating involves two people trying to work their relationship out by themselves, a courtship involves many people. Not only do you have the couple, but their parents, as well as trusted (married) friends, should be involved as well. They serve not only as encouragement in the relationship, but also as a check. They can ask pointed questions to help keep the relationship on track, as well as point out any red flags that might pop up. Couples should welcome their mentors' involvement, because they have the couple's best interest at heart.

4. Hands off. The physical side of dating often has no limits. Even many of today's Christians feel that is okay to be very intimate in a relationship as long as it doesn't go "all the way". But rather than asking "Where is the line and how close can I get to it?", couples in a courtship should leave most physical intimacy for the marriage. This can mean many different things to different people, with some choosing barely to hold hands while others "allow" embracing and kissing. This is a decision that each couple will have to make for themselves.

I have many people who ask if I feel that I am missing out by not dating. My reply is "Yes, I am". I'm missing out on quite a bit of frustration, temptations and heartaches. I have seen so many of my friends hurt by broken relationships. In fact, it is almost like watching a lot of mini-divorces, because the couples had grown very close emotionally. Marriage is a very beautiful thing, and surely God never meant us to go through so much pain while searching for a mate. How often we inflict pain on ourselves by not following God's plan. Now, none of this to say that we shouldn't cultivate friendships, good friendships, with members of the opposite sex. Our brothers and sisters in Christ are there to challenge us, to stimulate us, and to encourage us. Kissing dating goodbye doesn't mean that we are kissing romance goodbye, it just means that we are pursuing it in a different and better way.